Friday, January 05, 2007

SIGHT Unseen

Reasons for my absence at any planned formal affairs.
These include Weddings, Barmitzvahs, or any other "family" or political events.

1. FAMILY. I do not feel part of what a family is portrayed as. To me, a family member or relative is one whose DNA comes closer to matching my DNA, than most other people on this planet. I have no relationship or friendship with with any family member except maybe the person called my "brother". Otherwise, there is nobody who knows me, nor do I know anybody. The only exposure I have with these members are during planned formal political events. I otherwise have little to nothing in common with any family member. I grew up alone, and isolated in "hell".

2. EMOTIONAL. It is severe torture, for me to contribute to any celebration of love-finding, or new life, when I, myself have felt and or have been deprived, abused, and persecuted for most of my life.

I crave the energy I earn from interacting with people. Many people around me take this for granted. It is hard for me to give energy to others, if I have not received any. I have always been starving for companionship and energy. Crowds and loud music or noise disturb me greatly.

During the last Wedding, I attended, I felt trapped in torture. The doors enabling me to leave were locked. The noise was painfully loud. Many pictures were taken of me, and with my friend. To this day, I have never seen any pictures of that event. However, it gave me the opportunity to establish my infrastructure in my now current home. I also had the comfort of a good friend with me. One of the most depressing and lonely experiences I had in my life was the last Bar Mitzvah(s) I attended, in 1993.

3. SOCIAL. I have not experienced and or known of such events as "hanging out", "going out", "making out", "dating", or "clubbing". I never understood what "The Prom" is. I do not understand, or understand the feeling or experience of romance, or most of the enjoyment of sex. I do not know what "being in love" means.

Too many negative emotions are associated with people related to me with whom I met while growing up. I have a life and home for the first time. I do not want to be reminded of my previous painful existence that I once endured.

4. PHONY & ARTIFICIAL. Perhaps, long ago, in a different world, a large group of people, who had a continuous interaction with each other, much in common, and a close emotional bond, would feel the passion and joy in getting together in celebration for a mutually happy event.

Today, these events are decadent staged spectacles, that have little connection with reality. Wealthy people get together to be seen at these political opportunities. I find it ridiculous to wear a tie, or jacket. It would cost hundreds of dollars, and would be worn once. I wear free T-shirt, shorts, and sneakers to my office desk at my employer. I do not conform for political reasons. I am not religious or romantic. Marriage is an event that gives people certain legal rights.

5. TIME & MONEY. It is decadent and disgusting for so much time, money, resources and effort to be given for such a shallow and inefficient use of a unity opportunity.

It is absurd for me to take valuable time off from work, where I net $900/month, to use round-trip airfare between Florida and NY, rent a hotel room in LI, and pay for every meal during my stay, just to sacrifice my time of a few hours. I now earn enough money independently, to comfortably support myself. I am not in a position to support someone else.

6. COMMUNICATION. At these events, people who otherwise never meet or communicate with each-other, get together. Yet, they can't communicate with another due to the loud noise, crowds, and distraction. It is a ludicrous and obscene waste of opportunity.

It causes me severe loneliness and depression. Communication is the most important subject of my life. It is tremendously rare, that someone is willing to spend time with, or care for me. Recent names of these people include Catherine, Nancy, Patricia, and Richard. It makes no sense to me to be brought together in a rare meeting, with an opportunity of rare communication, and have that very communication be made impossible. It therefore makes any attempt for follow-up opportunity futile.

I have a hard enough time relating with a person one on one in space during silence. I understand most people, especially women, can communicate visually, physically, or non-verbally. I do not. They dance. I do not dance, nor do I understand the purpose or pleasure in a gregarious environment. I treasure written and spoken communication. It causes me even more emotional deprivation and torture when the people around me, seem to be "having a good time" or "enjoying themselves" I do not understand what these concepts mean. I gain no benefit from literally seeing people, or being seen.

IN CLOSING. The only incentive to come up to Long Island in August, is to get together with Nancy. I treasure our friendship. I do not love NY. I treasure the amount of time, energy, trust, and honesty shown by my brother. I do not want to do anything to compromise my friendship and or relationship with Nancy and Richard. I too have expressed to my Sister, and Sister-in-law, of their great value to me, and my appreciation of them.

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