Thursday, October 08, 2009

Marriage with an Aspie

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Communication Between Asperger's Adults and their Spouses - Jody Smith

This is an era of transition for adults with Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and their spouses. Until recently, these couples battled unanswered questions and unresolved pain. But because of research and support groups, this can now change.

There is no one personality type for the Asperger's adult. The traits they have in common are neurological in origin, and hamper their ability to read and respond to people around them. But these neurological markers, misunderstood in the past, damage their relationships, particularly if they are married. For the non-Asperger's, or neurotypical, partner there has been a barrier to emotional intimacy throughout the relationship. This may have caused resentment and grief that their AS mate does not love or value them. The neurotypical spouse (NT) may withdraw, or criticize their Aspie, and unhealthy patterns mushroom over years of misunderstanding.

The Aspie may despair that they will always fail in pleasing their mate, and may become hostile or give up trying. The ripples of rejection grow. Enter new research into
Asperger's Syndrome. For couples starting out, and for couples who have weathered this storm for years and still want to weather it together, there is hope. Is it easy? Probably not. Is it simple? Well, yes, in some ways.

The NT will need to accept the fact that they must learn a new way of communicating. They'll need to understand that their partner does not "catch" nuances and hints and intimations that a neurotypical individual might. These things are invisible to the Aspie. Not because they have chosen this to be so. But simply because it is so. Facial expressions, small sighs, innuendo ... these are wasted and non-productive. A straightforward and verbally precise manner is needed on the part of the NT.

And, if their AS mate values the relationship, and is willing to listen to this direct communication, life can change for the better. The Aspie needs to heed the NT's feelings, even though the Aspie has no sense of this for themselves. If the Asperger's spouse is willing to act on the NT's stated needs, the partnership can work. The partners can find fulfillment together.

Does it mean saying goodbye to romance? Perhaps. Or, perhaps it means changing one's idea of what romance is. Does it mean having to come out and say what you mean and mean what you say? Most definitely. And that isn't a bad thing in any relationship.
Adults with
Asperger's Syndrome (from ASpar)
Adults with Asperger's Syndrome often go undiagnosed,30,,1421800,faa1421800,,,Index,map.html
Families of Adults Affected by Asperger's Syndrome
Frequently Asked Questions on Asperger Syndrome
Learning Discoveries Psychological Services: What is Asperger's?
Please, Learn About Asperger Syndrome And Give Hope to Non-AS Spouses,140
Visit Jody's website and blog at and
My profile up to now has said to live in harmony with our environment, + people, regardless of race, beliefs, sexual orientation, gender...

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