Sunday, March 28, 2010

Passover for the Time Impared.

When us Jews escaped from slavery long ago and far away in Egypt, we did not have much time to make regular bread, let alone anything else. Passover helps us to remind us of that by eating only Matzah. Today we have time for a long and complete sedar, and do not have to be restricted to the following: A Passover service for the impatient:

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
s for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt . Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.
Four questions:

1. What's up with the matza?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?
1. When we left Egypt , we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.

4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story:

Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning.
(Heat soup now.)
The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.
Speaking of children:
We hid some matza. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover:
It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt . Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matza. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.
(Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.
The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough.
If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea , it would've been enough.
If he'd parted the Red Sea —
(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)
Eat matza. Drink more wine. Slouch. Thanks again, God, for everything.

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